In times of doubt, just pick red

 

I’ve decided to pick red in times of doubt, because it is much stronger and it takes a lot of oxygen to smoke one.

What a day it is. I won’t go over the details but this is one of the most roller coaster day I had.

I was really feeling happy earlier this day because I know I will be productive but things went south later and I opted to pick red.

Why I pick red?

This is not an advertisement for a cigarette brand but for most of the time when I’m stressed or want an easy fix for my raging blood I usually go for red. The taste is strong. Mapait. makes me forget the roller coaster feeling that I’m riding while smoking. It ease the demons in my head.

This gonna be a long smoke I said to myself. Enough time to calm my nerves and think straight.

All my life, I’ve been so Ill tempered. My closest friends knows this fact very well and some of my ex-office mates too (I guess). I easily lose temper and go berserk, and nothing good follows after that.

Habang tumatanda ka natututo ka na mag timpi ng husto. Nasa dulo ka na ng pisi mo, pilit ka pa din bumabalanse kahit mukhang wala nang pagasa bumalanse ang mga bagay bagay sa paligid mo. Pilit mo tinatago yung pinaka mabaho mong ugali na lumabas kahit na puputok na ang batok mo, nag tutunugan na ang mga buto sa daliri at gusto mong ibuga ang usok galing sa nag babaga mong damdamin gamit ang salita o paliparin sa hangin ang nag ngangalit mong kamao.  

Kaso hindi ganon eh. Isipin mo na lang ang mga bagay at pangyayari na susunod pagkatapos mo magpakawala ng apoy. May masusunog. kung hindi sila, IKAW. 

Ang ending, ikaw ang talo, nakaganti ka nga, kinain ka naman ng poot at mahuhusgahan ka ng kapwa mo o ng langit mismo.

I continued hitting the first stick until it runs out and flip it towards the cigarette bin. I decided to get one again because the demons in my head are still acting up. I need to further suppress them. I reach in the pocket of my polo and quickly light it up and further think about what is happening.

Naalala ko yung dati na mga pangyayari sa buhay ko. Umabot ako sa kalagayan ko na ito matapos ang lahat. Mabuti na din na nakapagpigil ako sa mga bagay na umirita sa akin ng todo. Yun nga lang Dumami na ang puti kong buhok, dala ng maraming pinigil na emosyon, kunsumisyon at gigil.

Huli akong nagpalabas ng mga demonyo sa katawan ko ay napakatagal na panahon na. Noong nahimasmasan ako, nakita ko ang delubyo na sinapit ng bawat madaanan ko. Wasak na tindahan ng miryenda ng aming kapitbahay, nagkalat na baso ng halo halo, natapon na mga lumpia at nadurog na mga chicharon na nakakalat sa sahig. Natamo ko sa tagpong iyon ay mga duguang mga kamao, nabinging kanang tenga na inabot ng tatlong buwan bago gumaling at wasak na BLACK SABER na tamiya 4WD na laruan. Nanlumo ako sa ginawa ko, habang tinitignan ko ang itsura nung pinagbuhusan ko ng galit, hindi ko maiwasan na maawa sa kanya at matakot din sa sarili ko.

Ganun pala ako, hindi ako maawat kahit dalawang kaibigan ko na mas malaki sa akin ang umaawat sa akin. Pula lang ang nakikita ko, wala ako naririnig, wala ako nararamdaman, kahit na ilang beses na ako tinamaan sa mukha at iba’t ibang parte ng katawan, wala ako nararamdaman, tanggi ko lang nakikita ay pula. 

The second stick didn’t last long. After that I decided to go back to the office. Not that calm but I can manage. Thanks to that two red stick. Many past memories began to play like a film while I’m on the elevator going up. But those memories are painted with a different shade of colors and that’s for another story for me to tell and share in the future.

Salamat sa kulay pula naalala ko na mas maraming bagay na positibo na maari pang mangyari sa hinaharap. Kung kainin man ako muli ng poot sa mga susunod na panahon, maisip ko din sana na sa bawat masamang bagay na aking magagawa, pulang karma ang naghahantay.

 

 

 

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I have the high ground

I hate to teach someone. This much is true up until this very moment I’m writing this. When I heard I was gonna mentor someone, a series of flashback played in my mind about my experience in teaching. The last one bites like a snake.  Ever since that fateful day, I started to hate it and vow not to teach again if there’s nothing in it to me.

I don’t ask anything in return if I teach someone, what I want to see is to see them do it on their own and eventually do it perfectly. If I see them succeed, that’s fine. Even if they don’t thank me for teaching them, at least they should give me a proper respect I deserve not as a mentor, but as a typical human being.

I know that I’m not the sharpest tool in the shed, so why am I the one tasked to teach someone? Usually I teach because it is part of my work. I teach on-the-job trainees on how to do my work so that they could help me lessen my workload. It yield me good results for the most part because of the less workload, more time for other task and I got the time to know them personally.

What really ticks me off when teaching is after I teach someone; they tend to get on their high horse and starting to boast about their so-called self acquired skills. Their head is so full with air they even step on the ones teach them.

Because of that I really loathe mentoring someone. I became skeptical and doubtful on the people who want to learn from me. I distanced myself to those who want me to become their teacher.  I usually act grumpy, not smiling and become unapproachable.

It worked for me for the longest time. Less stress and I could care less about the people around me.

I looked back when I was in college. I never had the chance to be one.

Back in my college days, I never get to experienced being an OJT,  back then instead of going to numerous companies to apply for an on the job trainee position ( I don’t know the exact term for that) we are subjected to elective subjects and conduct our own seminars and attend numerous seminars to compensate for not having an OJT.

What happened to me? After graduating college and entering the so called “real world” I was overwhelmed by the work. It took me a couple of months to adjust to a foreign environment of the real world.  Thanks to those who trained me and helped me become the person I am today.

After reminiscing about the past, I had a slight change of heart. I can’t control their attitude but I can control what I can teach them. So that’s what I did.

Every time an OJT or a person throws a fit to me while I’m teaching them, I teach them less. I let them do the task on their own. If they fail or had a hard time doing the task, it’s their fault. I wouldn’t waste my time teaching someone who doesn’t control their bloated ego and don’t respect others.

Looking at these on-the-job trainees, I can say that they are very blessed to experience work first hand before graduating from college. I always say that to them.

 

Tall buildings, sands, life experiences and homecoming

dbx

 

Here’s a thing, I promised myself not to write a blog post about my journey to the middle east. But here I am staring to my laptop and about to start breaking that promise.

I was full of myself. I was the king of my own world. Life is not what it seems to be for me, it hit me hard and I took a heavy fall.

In the first week of 2016, after I successfully resigned from my work in Makati, I spend my time working on my documents to go abroad and meeting with friends, going out for a drink, attending a mini high school reunion and watching my favorite band before I fly to Dubai. Time flies so fast when you’re having fun, it is proven so many times before, and before I knew it, the day of departure arrives. Only a handful of people know that I’m going out of the country. I keep it that way, no despedida parties, no tears to shed because I know to myself that I’ll be back… Early.

The promise of a much greener pasture. That is what keeps on running in my head as I board the plane. I said to myself that I need to grit my teeth on whatever comes my way when I get there. But life is much tougher than I expected. The shit is going to hit the fan.

My first month is more like a tourist month. Getting familiar with the land, learning the culture, the laws, and going to beautiful places around Dubai and Abu Dhabi. Experiencing what is like to be in a foreign land and what is like to live there.

Burj Khalifa

Burj Khalifa is a work of art, near or far.

Malls bigger than the biggest mall in the Philippines, making Mall of Asia look like a common supermarket there. A mall with a big aquarium inside and a mall with an indoor ski resort. Every modern piece of architectural art is there. The perks of being a first world country.

 

Sports cars are everywhere. Ferrari, Camaro, Dodge, Corvette, Lamborghini,  Rolce Royce, Audi, McLaren, Bugatti, any sports car you can probably think of is there and they are not parked in some grand showroom, but instead, they are parked in the streets.

Laws are strictly observed and followed. The public transportation is so good even the royalty rides the metro.

First Lesson : Never compare other country to your home country, because it will get you frustrated overtime.

From the moment I got there, everything is different: the landscape, the people, infrastructure, government, everything is different. In every turn of the head there is something good to see and something to compare to my home country. For every comparison I made, the more I get frustrated. So I stopped comparing, instead I learn to appreciate the differences.

Before the month ends I travel to Oman because I need to exit from Dubai in order to process new visa. My short stay in Oman proved a lot of things about being an Overseas Filipino Worker.

Second Lesson: You never know what is like, unless you experience it first hand.

The struggle is very real, even this very moment, my body still remembers the feeling of travelling for almost 12 hours by land.

This the first time I’m traveling alone and in a foreign land. Without someone to rely on but myself. The fear is there, but I told myself “You need this. It’s part of your life journey.”

Indeed my 5 day stay there is very worthwhile.

A lot of Filipinos are exiting to Dubai in order to process their new visa. I met a lot of kababayans from all walks of life during that trip. Kish Island is closed for exiting due to some problems occurred during that time, so all of the people who are trying to go out from Dubai are diverted to Oman. Luckily, our group belong to the early batch of people who entered Oman during that time.

Third Lesson : You gotta be smart to survive and make do with what you have.

It is important to be street smart during the trip. My budget is very limited and I need to maximize it in order to survive. I carefully pick the person I go with during the trip, so during the bus ride. I talked to a lot of people inside the bus in order for me to familiarize with them and analyze their behavior so that I’ll know who to go with in case something wrong happen. Survivor Reality TV.

When we got out of the bus, a lot of people started to form their own group. I had a hard time choosing who to go with, and where to stay. Because of that I ended up banding with a group of rowdy looking men. Eric, Kuya Jon, Mark, Kuya Aldin, Stephen and Kuya Fidel. I thought that I made a big mistake during that time, but I can proudly say that it was the best decision I made during that trip. They were my best buds during that the trip and even today.

We are the wolf pack, we are the rowdy guys from row 4 of the class. The A-Team of that trip. The best team.

We are having a hard time finding a good room to stay because all of the room are occupied and some of the rooms are filthy and bedbug-infested. Stephen muscled the caretaker and he ordered him to give us a good room to stay in. The caretaker knew what we want and immediately lead us to a unoccupied room. A freshly cleaned room.Eureka! after a long ride we can finally settle down and rest. The battle is not yet over.

Internet is very vital. We need to be always updated about our visa application status or else we’ll be stuck there for a long time and that is not an option for us.

The problem? The internet router is only allowed 6 gadgets to connected to the internet. I know I have to do something about it, I need to access the router and change its configuration. I accessed the router page to my laptop and luckily the administrator username and password is set to its default settings and I changed the configuration so that the whole place can access the internet without any problem. I distributed the bandwidth and make a dedicated wifi hotspot for our room. For 5 days straight, we have internet without problem. talking about being resourceful eh?

Fourth Lesson: Pinoys will always be Pinoy everywhere you go.

There, I’ve said it like everybody else. Pinoys are always Pinoy. Some of it might be on a positive light but just like the brighter the light, the darker the shadow. Every Filipino knows and some foreigners too. We are always smiling and positive about almost everything while other people is pessimistic, we like to share everything, even our own misery. Some Filipinos are too boastful to the point you want to put your knee to their face. Pinoy Pride is a double edge sword especially when you are outside of your country.  I won’t explain this further, some people might know what I’m talking about Pinoys and other nationalities.

Fast forward to 2017. A lot of things happened, I finally landed a new job here in Makati after a year of being bum. I can say that my adventure in the land of sand, oil and gold didn’t go well, but I am happy for the lessons I learned there.

It took me a year to finally publish this post because I don’t feel like finishing this entry for sometime. Also I forgot some of the things I want to write back then but maybe I’ll remember it and update this entry.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

makati PBCOM

Bagong taon bagong trabaho

makati PBCOM

 

Unang entry para sa taon na ito sa pangalawang buwan. Sinuwerte ng kaunti na makapasok sa bagong kumpanya. Medyo pukpukan ang trabaho pero ayos lang, walang kaso yun, sanay naman na ako sa ganung environment. Pag katapos ng isang taong pagiging tambay at bantay ng sari-sari store sa bahay, nag katrabaho din.

 

Maiksi lang muna sa ngayon ang post ko. wala ako maisip na ikuwento sa ngayon siguro sa mga susunod na araw may maisip ako na magandang isulat, pero sa ngayon solb na muna ako dito.

Shit storm

shitstorm

As I write this blog post, I’m currently shirtless and stationed at our sari-sari store. Why shirtless? Because it is hot. No, I’m not hot, the weather is. Looking at the noisy high school students passing by our store

It’s been a while since I written a blog post and I am sure that my writing style is a bit rusty. A lot of things happened during the past few months. Failed job applications, mishaps and a lot of bad things happened. Basically the shit hit the fan.

When the wheel of fortune takes you to the bottom, that’s where you see the perfect perspective of life. I hit rock bottom this time, and when I looked up, the long way up is there welcoming me again with new obstacles in place. The path I took before is gone, and another path takes its place, more treacherous and hard as hell. I don’t know if I can walk the path again. I’m having doubts with myself this time.

Failure can get you succumb to depression. I can’t deny that. I’m victim. Looking back to the good old times also added fuel to the depression. I feel like a stupid piece of shit looking back where I had almost all of it. I am the king of my own damn world. I never bothered to step down to my high horse.

What a piece shit I am.

Picking up the pieces of me is really hard; the fall was too hard for me and it broke me into little pieces. I swallowed my pride before the fall so I left with nothing when I came down.

The drama keeps on playing and I cannot stop it, I’m in the middle of the shit storm and it keeps on whirling. I am overwhelmed. The armor I don is gone. What’s left is my shallow shell.

When I came to my senses, two months has passed, “What the fuck happened?” I lost precious time. What a waste.

The nightmare is nearly over.

The wheel starts to move and I need to get back on my feet so that I can grab to the wheel again to go up.

A lot of lessons learned during this time and I intend to keep it, and whatever lessons I get along the way I will carry it to the top.

 

Trenta y Uno – Another level gained

gained a level

 

Sa oras na sinusulat ko ito, limang araw na ang lumipas mula noong aking kaarawan. Uneventful na araw kasi huwebes, nasa opisina ako . Okay, not so uneventful pala, kasi may hinanda ang opisina sa mga nag di-diwang ng kaarawan sa opisina, the usual pag bati ng mga ka-opisina at kaibigan sa tunay na buhay at sa cyberspace (mukhang libro). Tipikal na araw sa opisina: trabaho.

Pag uwi ng bahay ganun din, tipikal na pangyayari sa bahay, pahinga muna ng ilang oras bago mag sundo ng kasintahan sa opisina nila sa Cubao.

Maganda din ang nangyari noong mag sundo kami sa Cubao, may hinanda pala na regalo sa akin ang aking butihing kasintahan. Di ko madalas nakakatanggap ng ganoon o di pa talaga nakatanggap ng ganoong regalo. Simpleng regalo lang, Isang sulat na pag bati sa kaarawan at mga nakakatuwang bagay na kami na lang ang makakaalam ng mga nag sundo at nag bigay. naging makulay din naman ang gabi na iyon salamat sa mga regalo at sulat. Dahil isang beses ko pa lang naranasan makatanggap ng ganon ay napaka saya sa pakiramdam. Ganun pala yon, simpleng bagay na nakakapaghatid ng kakaibang saya.

Dumaan ang Sabado, oras na para sa pinaka hihintay na araw : ang umpukan.

Marami ang di nakadalo sa mga datihan na nag pupunta, sa mga kadahilanang sari-sari. Di ko na sila masisi dahil hindi maiiwasan ang mga rason at valid naman ang mga iyon.

May bago at lumang bisita, mga di nakapunta noon na ngayon ay nakapunta na,  mayroon din namang hindi pa sumasala sa pag punta. Maraming salamat sa inyo. Malaking karangalan na inyong dinaluhan ang munting salo salo na hinanda naming pamilya para sa araw na iyon.

Nag edad na naman ako ng isang taon. Maraming bago akong napansin at nais mabago sa sarili ko. Siguro eto ang iba sa kanila.

Una ang pag tanda, hindi sa natatakot ako na mag edad kundi masaya ako na nag tagal pa ako ng isa pang taon sa mundo. Sabi nga sa quote na narinig ko sa aking kaibigan “Old age is a privilege denied to many.”  Salamat sa mga kataga na yan at mas lalo ko na papagpahalagahan ang pag tanda.

Pangalawa: Mga pananaw sa buhay. Kung dati ay masyado ako mapusok o marami akong nasasabi sa mga bagay bagay sa paligid ko na sa pangalawang tingin ay pinag sisisihan ko sabihin, siguro ngayon mababawasan ko na yoon. Hindi man matanggal ng tuluyan ang mga negatibong bagay na nasasabi pero sana mabawasan.

Pangatlo : Mga nais gawin sa buhay ko. Maraming pangarap gawin, ngunit kaunti lang ang natutupad madalas half assed pa. Sana ngayon ay matupad ko ang mga pangarap kong gawin sa buhay ko ngayong taon, Umakyat ulit ng bundok, matutong mag pintura ng GunPla, makapagpapayat at lumolobo na ako ng todo, makabalik loob sa pag gi-gitara at pag ba-banda na din, at mapag linang pa ang kakayanan sa video editing sa pamamagitan ng pag kuha ng mga certificate. sana matuapad yan lahat ngayong taon. Konting pukpok lang naman sa sarili ang kailangan ko sana eh di na ako dalawin nila kumpareng procrastination at ni Ka Tam ngayong taon na ito.

Siguro yun muna sa ngayon, kapag masyadong marami ang gusto gawin, nauuwi sa balak lang at walang nag mamaterialize.

Sa totoo lang, naisip ko lang na mag sulat ngayong araw na ito dahil mahigit dalawang buwan na pala ako hindi nag u-update ng blog. Sana isa ito ulit sa palagian kong magawa ngayong taon. Maraming pwedeng isulat na mga pangyayari, bagay pero kasama ko si Ka Tam palagi nitong mga nakaraang araw.

Sana sa mga susunod na araw eh mag laboy muna si Ka Tam sa ibang lugar at nang marami akong magawa sa buhay ko.

 

Huling numero sa kalendaryo, pero hindi huling numero sa buhay ko.

 

Sa mga may kaarawan ngayon at sa mga mag di-diwang ng kanilang kaarawan bukas, Maligayang kaarawan sa inyo.

 

Cheers!

 

Truth, Lies and Zombies

1-zombie-anime-artistic-pictures-anime-manga

 

I really don’t know how to start this, but for the longest time I know her, I didn’t know it was all a lie.

It started around 3 years ago. I chat a random girl on some social media website intended for dating. Back when I was too naïve of things happening in my life, when I thought I was not vulnerable of scam and sham of the internet.

Fallen from the story which I believe was true back then. She was claiming that she was abandoned by her boyfriend after she was involved in a car accident. The guy never bother visiting her in the hospital and never bothered calling her. She said that her parents was the one to blame why her boyfriend back then never visit nor call her. And there I was, the knight in shining armor: Internet version. Trying to save her from the hell hole she was in that time. Talking to her every day, and making each other happy. Those were happy times for me at the very least back then.

We had that connection that was very true. We acted like we are on a relationship. We had a thing going on: That’s what I believed back then.

Then things goes sour as months passed. Happy conversations turned to quarrels. The once healthy “relationship” goes out of bounds. I lost my job back then, and I’m on the midst of losing my so called “relationship.”

A month passed. For some weird chance I saw a post, a light of heaven that fuels my doubt for her. She was into someone. While in my thought we still have the “thing” between us. Enraged and about to explode inside, I calm myself outside. Pretended that I didn’t see anything.

After a week I saw her profile being restricted to my viewing. “Whoa, there is really something going on, and she’s didn’t want me to see it.” Doubt escalated in new heights. I calm myself. I didn’t speak about it and pretended that nothing happened.

For months I talked to her. I can clearly see the gradual changes in her mood when she speaks to me. Cold. Fuelling my doubts in a new heights. It has to be addressed right away.

I confronted her. The usual thing happens in a quarrel. (I really don’t want to divulge the whole ordeal) then it happened. She said that she is fancied to a guy and find me uninteresting anymore. And then the end comes to our “relationship”

I moved on with my life after that: Got a new job, learn new things, do charity work, attending band gigs and other things to keep me busy.

As for her? She was happy with her life. New boyfriend and a happy relationship.

But the heavens didn’t let the wicked rest. The tables have been turned.

From here, the story got interesting and have a surprisingly (or predictable) outcome.

While I found myself happy because I found a new girl to love. Her relationship turned sour and complicated. A fucked up relationship, and then the lies spread like wildfire.

Her best friend told me that she died in a vehicular accident, in which I doubted at first and eventually believed. Days after her apparent death. Her boyfriend is already seeing another girl. The worse thing happened after death.

Her best friend was furious. Her friend seeks my help in order to get even with the guy. I obliged, since we are friends back in the day. I stretched my hands to help. Luckily I wasn’t able to stretch my hand that long. Another conversation happened between me and her best friend, the best friend drop a subtle hint that made me suspect about the validity of her true personality. After that fateful conversation, I decided to take some distance.

You may say it is divine intervention, but the succeeding events confirmed my suspicions.

While going through my inbox in facebook, I saw a message. A message I haven’t read for almost a year. An anonymous tip. I’m not fond of replying messages from a random person especially if the profile picture of that person is a celebrity, in that case he’s using a picture of a famous celebrity whose name is being dragged to the PDAF Scam.

His message was “Do you know *insert name and surname here*?  ”

I replied, “Yes, why?”

I didn’t expect him to reply to me because I answered his message was a year late.

But before I receive a reply, a string of uncanny events happened. The dead rise from the grave, and began posting pictures and even liking my post in Instagram. I thought that zombie apocalypse is on its way and to make matters worse, the dead can post selfie and like posts in social media. Vain zombies.

After she liked my post in my Instagram account. I drop a message on her Instagram post saying “It’s funny thing that dead people cannot stay dead.” In her defense she also replied. “You know nothing. “(I feel like Jon Snow reading this). My last reply is “Funny, you can’t die right?” My suspicions were true, the woman is alive. Faking her own death.

After that, the anonymous guy finally replied, saying that the girl was a fake and using another girl identity for her own good. He even showed me the legit profile of the girl whose photos were grabbed and used by the fake one.

All this time, all was built in a well-constructed lie. I was played in the top of her hands.

The hatred is gone. All I feel for her is pity. Though I wanna smack her face just once.

Is it really that hard to be true to yourself?

Is it really that hard to build your self-confidence and face the world?

Do we have to build lies just to be happy?

It’s a good life lesson to me. I really thought that I will not be a victim of an online sham/scam, because I am well verse in the internet and I thought I know how to distinguish the difference of a lie and truth.

I was wrong. Terribly wrong.

I should researched more in the internet, analyze things, and carefully read between the lines. But things happened and it really fucked me up big time.

Let this be a lesson for all of us. Not to trust anything or anyone you see or meet online. Be very cautious. Even in online deals, finding love and whatsoever in the internet. Give them the benefit of the doubt.

I want to thank the people that stick to me during those trying times. You guys are the best.

I want to thank my girlfriend for being understanding and keeping her patience. You’re the best. I love you.

This is definitely the last time. there’s no next time.

Cheers motherfunders.